Start Seeing Through Your Child's Eyes

Steph is an incredible student of mine. Her mom asked me how I know when Steph will struggle and how do I know what helps. The answer was not what mom expected. I told mom: "I can see what Steph sees". She was expecting me to say something like "Steph is like other students who I work with", or "the research says that students like Steph struggle with X which manifest itself as Y, Z, A, B, C..."

The Truth: It is actually quite a simple answer for something that takes time to learn how to do effectively. Yes, knowing the research and strategies that will support you student is a great place to start! However, it is more about seeing what your child sees. I don't mean "knowing" your daughter or son as that implies knowing their behaviors. I mean, genuinely seeing through their eyes. This is the not so simple part. It requires a recipe of strategic listening, patience, and honesty, trial and error.



Here's What I Suggest: The first step to "seeing through your child's eyes" is to listen to your child. Listen and look at what they are struggling with. Participate in a strategy I call Guided Questioning. Once you listen and ask targeted questions you are on the path to seeing through your child's eyes. If you can look at an assignment and answer the following questions, you are on the right track. Here is what Steph's mom is now able to ask herself when she see through her daughter's eyes: 

• How would Steph see this page?
• What would Steph perceive to be easy? And, difficult?
• What does this assume Steph has done/not done to be successful on this?
• What would make this look manageable (doable) to Steph?

Reply to this post if you want to see me answer these "through your child's eyes" questions about an assignment that Steph was given.

Changing Our Language: Strategy and Process Praising

We are all guilty of saying "good girl" or "you are so smart". Here you will learn a more beneficial way to praise.

Praise is a coernerstone to child development. Praising is how your child knows what they have done right and what your epectations of them are.

Praising poperly is very important. Most people's instinct is to praise based on success outcomes: good grades, behaving properly, meeting a goal, etc. I encourage all of us to limit this type of praise as much as possible, and instead praise children for streatgy and process use.

It goes a little something like this:

You say: "John, I am so proud of you for breaking that assignment up into managable pieces for yourself." (This is regardless of John's ability to complete each piece - because that was not what you praised here.)

Or, you say: "John, that was so awesome that you used the strategy of reading aloud to yourself to understand that problem more easily." (This is regardless of John's actual success on the problem.)

Or you can even say: "John, I'm really pleased with your ability to estimate 30 minutes for this assignment, and get it done in 20." (Notice: here you are praising the result/outcome, however you are doing so by rewarding the process that John took to get there.)

Praising appropriately will give your child a new perspective on your expectations. Instead of "Mom only cares when I'm right", you are transforming their thinking to "Mom loves when I try to succeed."

Changing Our Language: "Would You Be Willing?"

To continue the importance of changing our language, today I will discuss the important of the phrase "would you be willing?"

Many students I work with can be described as lacking cognitive flexibility, or having a "fixed mindset". You know, that kid whose favorite words are "no", "I can't" and "I don't want to". 

When supporting a student whose natural instinct is to think of what isn't possible, you want to make sure you are using more suggestive language in addition to choice language (see the previous post).

So, what does suggestive language look like?

Whenever you provide your child with options, choices, or suggestions follow up or begin the suggestion with "would you be willing?" It looks something like this:

Your child says: "I can't do this math. She didn't teach me any of this."

You say: "Would you be willing to have me look at the problem you're stuck on?"

Your child says: "Fine." (Of, if they refuse, provide another "would you be willing" statement or two choices.)

You say: "It looks like I can't help you learn to solve this. Would you be willing to try looking this concept up on Khan Academy?"

Your child says: "Khan is so dumb. It doesn't know how to do this."

You say: "So you're not willing to try Khan Academy. What about emailing the teacher? Would you be willing to email the teacher?"

And so on...

Asking if your child would be willing to try a strategy or solution will allow your child to evaluate their comfort level with that suggestion. By inviting the student to have choice in saying "no", the use of "no" will become less automatic. In fact, one student whom I use "would you be willing?" phrasing with all the time turned to me just last month and said: "I wish my mom and dad would ask me what I think instead of just yelling at me to do something. I feel like you want to know what I think I can do right so I can try what I want to try."

Changing Our Language: "You have a Choice. What do you Choose?"

I have noticed a lot of parents and educators surprised by the impact of the language I am using with the student's I support. To many, my language feels less directive and more suggestive. Here is one of a series of special posts on the power of language and how you can use language to support your student. 

Recently a parent told me, "I don't know how you get Ted to listen and follow through. I am so specific in what I want him to do, but still, he does nothing I say." My response was simply, "When we provide choice, Ted is now in control." Ted is a typical kid: all he wants is to be in control of his actions. I am not sure I know anyone (adult or child) who actually likes to be told what to do.

So how do you get out of the cycle of directive after directive, "do this", "don't do that", and the yelling that ensues when your expectations are not met? Simply put, all you need to do is provide choice.

Choice language goes something like this:

You say: "You have a choice." "Would you rather play for 10 more minutes on the slide? Or play 5 minutes on the slide and 5 minutes on the monkey bars? What do you choose?"

Your child says: "I want to..." (make sure it is one of your choices. If it isn't then you reiterate the choices using the exact same language as above.)

You say: "Okay, so your choice is to play for 10 more minutes on the slide before we leave."

Now, let's say your child is not coming when you call them after that 10 minutes is up, you need to use choice language again.

You say: "Remeber, your choice was...." (And, if needed provide yet another set of two choices for how you will be leaving the park."

This language allows your child to direct their own choices. Yes, you may have provided the two choices, but they made the decision!