Start Seeing Through Your Child's Eyes

Steph is an incredible student of mine. Her mom asked me how I know when Steph will struggle and how do I know what helps. The answer was not what mom expected. I told mom: "I can see what Steph sees". She was expecting me to say something like "Steph is like other students who I work with", or "the research says that students like Steph struggle with X which manifest itself as Y, Z, A, B, C..."

The Truth: It is actually quite a simple answer for something that takes time to learn how to do effectively. Yes, knowing the research and strategies that will support you student is a great place to start! However, it is more about seeing what your child sees. I don't mean "knowing" your daughter or son as that implies knowing their behaviors. I mean, genuinely seeing through their eyes. This is the not so simple part. It requires a recipe of strategic listening, patience, and honesty, trial and error.



Here's What I Suggest: The first step to "seeing through your child's eyes" is to listen to your child. Listen and look at what they are struggling with. Participate in a strategy I call Guided Questioning. Once you listen and ask targeted questions you are on the path to seeing through your child's eyes. If you can look at an assignment and answer the following questions, you are on the right track. Here is what Steph's mom is now able to ask herself when she see through her daughter's eyes: 

• How would Steph see this page?
• What would Steph perceive to be easy? And, difficult?
• What does this assume Steph has done/not done to be successful on this?
• What would make this look manageable (doable) to Steph?

Reply to this post if you want to see me answer these "through your child's eyes" questions about an assignment that Steph was given.

Changing Our Language: Strategy and Process Praising

We are all guilty of saying "good girl" or "you are so smart". Here you will learn a more beneficial way to praise.

Praise is a coernerstone to child development. Praising is how your child knows what they have done right and what your epectations of them are.

Praising poperly is very important. Most people's instinct is to praise based on success outcomes: good grades, behaving properly, meeting a goal, etc. I encourage all of us to limit this type of praise as much as possible, and instead praise children for streatgy and process use.

It goes a little something like this:

You say: "John, I am so proud of you for breaking that assignment up into managable pieces for yourself." (This is regardless of John's ability to complete each piece - because that was not what you praised here.)

Or, you say: "John, that was so awesome that you used the strategy of reading aloud to yourself to understand that problem more easily." (This is regardless of John's actual success on the problem.)

Or you can even say: "John, I'm really pleased with your ability to estimate 30 minutes for this assignment, and get it done in 20." (Notice: here you are praising the result/outcome, however you are doing so by rewarding the process that John took to get there.)

Praising appropriately will give your child a new perspective on your expectations. Instead of "Mom only cares when I'm right", you are transforming their thinking to "Mom loves when I try to succeed."

Changing Our Language: "Would You Be Willing?"

To continue the importance of changing our language, today I will discuss the important of the phrase "would you be willing?"

Many students I work with can be described as lacking cognitive flexibility, or having a "fixed mindset". You know, that kid whose favorite words are "no", "I can't" and "I don't want to". 

When supporting a student whose natural instinct is to think of what isn't possible, you want to make sure you are using more suggestive language in addition to choice language (see the previous post).

So, what does suggestive language look like?

Whenever you provide your child with options, choices, or suggestions follow up or begin the suggestion with "would you be willing?" It looks something like this:

Your child says: "I can't do this math. She didn't teach me any of this."

You say: "Would you be willing to have me look at the problem you're stuck on?"

Your child says: "Fine." (Of, if they refuse, provide another "would you be willing" statement or two choices.)

You say: "It looks like I can't help you learn to solve this. Would you be willing to try looking this concept up on Khan Academy?"

Your child says: "Khan is so dumb. It doesn't know how to do this."

You say: "So you're not willing to try Khan Academy. What about emailing the teacher? Would you be willing to email the teacher?"

And so on...

Asking if your child would be willing to try a strategy or solution will allow your child to evaluate their comfort level with that suggestion. By inviting the student to have choice in saying "no", the use of "no" will become less automatic. In fact, one student whom I use "would you be willing?" phrasing with all the time turned to me just last month and said: "I wish my mom and dad would ask me what I think instead of just yelling at me to do something. I feel like you want to know what I think I can do right so I can try what I want to try."

Changing Our Language: "You have a Choice. What do you Choose?"

I have noticed a lot of parents and educators surprised by the impact of the language I am using with the student's I support. To many, my language feels less directive and more suggestive. Here is one of a series of special posts on the power of language and how you can use language to support your student. 

Recently a parent told me, "I don't know how you get Ted to listen and follow through. I am so specific in what I want him to do, but still, he does nothing I say." My response was simply, "When we provide choice, Ted is now in control." Ted is a typical kid: all he wants is to be in control of his actions. I am not sure I know anyone (adult or child) who actually likes to be told what to do.

So how do you get out of the cycle of directive after directive, "do this", "don't do that", and the yelling that ensues when your expectations are not met? Simply put, all you need to do is provide choice.

Choice language goes something like this:

You say: "You have a choice." "Would you rather play for 10 more minutes on the slide? Or play 5 minutes on the slide and 5 minutes on the monkey bars? What do you choose?"

Your child says: "I want to..." (make sure it is one of your choices. If it isn't then you reiterate the choices using the exact same language as above.)

You say: "Okay, so your choice is to play for 10 more minutes on the slide before we leave."

Now, let's say your child is not coming when you call them after that 10 minutes is up, you need to use choice language again.

You say: "Remeber, your choice was...." (And, if needed provide yet another set of two choices for how you will be leaving the park."

This language allows your child to direct their own choices. Yes, you may have provided the two choices, but they made the decision!

When We Let Fallbacks Happen

You have been supporting Sonia so much in all her classes. You email the teachers every day to ask what the homework was. You are so worried about what would happen if you backed off and let her take charge of knowing what homework she has she would not succeed in her classes. Her teachers keep telling you to "let her fail to figure it out".

The Truth: There is a lot of jargon out there now-a-days about "falling forward" and "letting them fail their way to success". Honestly, this concept is misconstrued and wrongly worded. "Failing forward" implies that we are "letting" students, our kids, "fail" their way to the top. First of all, this is litterally almost impossible to achieve. And, second, is exactly not what a parent, teacher, or any person should do when working with a child. The central idea of this "let them fail" belief is that a student should learn through their mistakes and through controversy they experience and that we adults should let them have those experiences.

What I Suggest: Please, stop using phrases that use the word "fail" and implies "success". This is confusing to kids and doesn't make much sense to us adults either. Instead, I encourage you to "let fallbacks happen". This may seem like semantics, but it is much more than replacement of negatively charged verbiage. It is a mindset. We should never back away from supporting a child if we are capable of supporting their needs. However, there are those times when a child has been provided support and is actively choosing not to receive the help in one way or another or scaffolds need to be removed to release some of the control back to the student. In Sonia's case, you need to step back little-by-little. Give her one task at a time and "let fallbacks happen" as they will. And when these "fallbacks" occur, support her in understanding what has happened and how she can prevent herself from falling again (Hint! Hint! Most likely with the support of a strategy!).



Reply to this post with a situation in which you have let "fallbacks" happen with your child and have helped them experienced success by doing so.

Warning! Transitions Ahead!

Seth is sitting at his computer playing an online video game. You have stopped by his room twice already to ask him to switch his laundry so you can put the towels in the wash. Seth agreed - both times! An hour later, you go to the laundry room and see everything exactly how Seth left it hours before. Seth has all the intention in the world to get that laundry moved. Remember: he did agree to it - twice! What's happening is Seth is really struggling to transition.

Transitioning is very hard for many students. Transitions exist when students are asked to switch from one task to another. This can be in a more physical sense, such as moving from class to class and getting out the door in the morning. But transitions are also cognitive. Students are being asked to transition their thinking when transitioning from one task to another. This can be seen in the class environment and at home. In the case of Seth, you were asking him to switch not only his body from the seated position to the standing one in order to get this task complete, you were also asking him to stop his flow of thinking. The cognitive shift between Seth's video gaming frame of mind and the laundry machine operating frame of mind are very different and require proper warning in order for Seth to transition most effectively.

What I Suggest: Help your student transition more easily from tasks to task through guided prompting (warnings). First, always set a time frame! Second, break it down into manageable steps with physical and cognitive directives. Let's use Seth as our example for how to do this effectively. The first time you approach Seth ask him to look up and pause his game in 30 seconds. This can feel like a long time, but gamers like Seth deeply appreciate you giving a timeframe instead of starting to talk at them as they are engrossed in their game. Once you have Seth's attention, ask "would you be willing to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer?" Seth would have probably said "yeah". Then ask: "when would be a good time for you to move the clothes?" (Remember, be specific as to what the task is to aide Seth in transitioning.) Seth will give you a time, and if he doesn't you suggest a few ("what about in 5 minutes?", "10 minutes?") because "after my game" is not concrete enough. Then, tell him you will give him a one-minute warning, and actually provide Seth with this minute warning. Before you let Seth continue playing and approach him again at a minute till, ask him "what do you think you'll need to do first in order to transition to switching the laundry?". You want to guide him in answering you with "pause my game", and not "go to the laundry room" or "stop playing". You want Seth to know exactly the first step he and you should expect to do and see. Then, always provide Seth with positive affirmation if he was able to follow all the warnings and transition effectively. 

Reply to this post if you would like a list of tips for teachers on how to transition students effectively both cognitively and physically when shifting activities in the classroom.

The Difference Between A 504 Plan And An IEP

Many people wonder whether their child should have an IEP or a 504. Let me first define the difference before offering up a more simplified comparison:

IEP: The acronym for Individualized Education Plan enforced in public schools for student with learning disabilities. The IEP creates an opportunity for teachers, parents, school administrators, related services personnel and students to work together to improve educational results for children with disabilities by outlining service minutes, goals, and accommodations specific to the individual student. Annual meetings for goal progress checking, and Triennial re-evaluations are held according to IDEA regulations.1

504: A plan developed by school teams and parents to support the educational needs of a student with a disability that “substantially limits one or more major life activity” such as: learning, speaking, listening, reading, writing, concentrating, caring for oneself, etc. Within the plan accommodations for learning are listed, but rarely will modifications be provided to a student with a 504.2

These definitions seem cumbersome, so here is the reality of the options: * A 504 provides less support overall.
* A 504 is considered when a student has a lower incidence disability.
* An IEP requires the school to do their own assessment regardless of an outside support provider's diagnosis.
* An IEP requires the school to provide personnel and an amount of service minutes.
* An IEP and a 504 both indicate accommodations, however a 504 doesn't have a case manager whose job is to support the facilitation of accommodations.
* An IEP will officially label the student as being a part of Special Education.
* Private schools do not offer IEPs or 504s, however you can request an IEP assessment through the district in which you reside.

Reply to this post if you'd like more advice about which to advocate for from your school for your particular student.

2http://www.ncld.org/students-disabilities/iep-504-plan/what-is-iep

1http://www.ncld.org/students-disabilities/iep-504-plan/is-504-plan-right-for-my-child